Self-Compassion for Lawyers: Dispelling Doubts & Getting Started

Self-compassion, however, does not entail evaluations of good or bad, but simply involves relating to yourself kindly, especially when you fail or notice personal shortcomings. This means that self-compassion is always available – it doesn’t desert us when we fail, and it fosters feelings of social connectedness rather than social comparison.

Research shows that compared with self-esteem, self-compassion provides a more stable sense of self-worth over time and is less contingent on things like physical attractiveness or successful performances. Self-compassion is also linked to less social comparison and narcissism than self-esteem (Neff & Vonk, 2009).

1. “Self-compassion is a form of self-pity.” Self-compassion remembers that everyone suffers (common humanity) and doesn’t exaggerate the extent of suffering (mindfulness), so is not a “woe is me” attitude. Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to engage in perspective-taking rather than focusing on their own distress (Neff & Pommier, 2013). They are also less likely to ruminate on how bad things are (Raes, 2010).

2. “Self-compassion is weak.” Self-compassion is a strength that offers resilience when faced with difficulty. Research shows self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce (Sbarra, Smith & Mehl, 2012), trauma (Hiraoka et al., 2015), or chronic pain (Wren et al, 2012).

3. “Self-compassion is selfish.” By including oneself in the circle of compassion (a humble agenda!), our sense of separation from others is lessened. Research shows self-compassionate people tend to be more caring and supportive in romantic relationships (Neff & Beretvas, 2013), are more likely to compromise in relationship conflicts (Yarnell & Neff, 2013), and are more compassionate toward others (Neff & Pommier, 2013).

5. “Self-compassion is a form of making excuses.” Self-compassion provides the safety needed to admit mistakes, rather than needing to blame someone else for them. Research shows that self-compassionate people take greater personal responsibility for their actions (Leary et al., 2007), and are more likely to apologize if they’ve offended someone (Brienes & Chen, 2012).

6. “Self-compassion will undermine motivation.” Most people believe self-criticism is an effective motivator, but it actually undermines self-confidence and leads to fear of failure. Motivation with self-compassion comes from the desire for health and well-being. It provides the emotionally supportive environment needed for change. It can be useful to consider the motivational impact of a harshly critical versus kind and supportive coach to make this point. Research shows that self-compassionate people are no less likely to have high personal standards; they just don’t beat themselves up when they fail (Neff, 2003b). This means they are less afraid of failure (Neff, Hseih, & Dejitthirat, 2007) and are more likely to try again and to persist in their efforts after failing (Breines & Chen, 2012).

We’ve also published 4 guided practices (here) that you can do on your own on a regular basis. These practices are designed for you to explore: What is self compassion? And how can you apply that to yourself to alleviate anxiety, low self esteem, perfectionism? And also what to do when you're really gripped with a difficult or painful emotion. The four practices included are:

• An affectionate body scan so it's bringing attention to the body with gentle kindness.
• An affectionate breathing practice where we really focus on breathing in and breathing out with kindness, and we use some phrases that can help support that inner dialogue.
• We have a practice called a self-compassion break which is what to do in a moment. Maybe you only have a couple of moments where you need to give yourself a little bit of kindness. So it's a gentle short practice around that. It also includes self-compassion touch, including different touches that might be nourishing when you're feeling under stress.
• Finally a practice called RAIN. RAIN stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Nurturance, and this particular practice can be very helpful when you're struggling with a painful emotion.

Feel free to use those practices either sequentially, trying each of them maybe one after the other, or sticking to one for a period of time, and then moving on to the other. These are practices designed for any time of the day, so you could do it during a break, during lunch, first thing in the morning, in the evening. The most important thing is just setting aside the time for yourself to bring compassion into your life.